


Capers, Crushes and Confusion

by orionstarlight



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Possibly Unrequited Love, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:40:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26389561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orionstarlight/pseuds/orionstarlight
Summary: And you’re both about to head back when you hear someone coming from where the portrait of the Fat Lady resides. There’s nowhere to run without them catching you and you lose the ability to think for a minute, but Sirius is quick.So, when he pushes you against the wall and starts kissing you, you really start to panic. You want to open your eyes to see if whoever was walking down the corridor has passed, but you’re already kissing him back, even if subconsciously, your hands tangling in that long black hair of his.-------You try to navigate your feelings for Sirius in your last year of Hogwarts, and safe to say, it takes you a while.
Relationships: Caradoc Dearborn/Reader, Sirius Black/Reader
Comments: 10
Kudos: 72





	1. Saving Face

* * *

For once, it’s quiet in the Gryffindor common room. The fire is crackling, the late evening moon shining through the windows, students chattering amongst themselves in low tones. It’s the perfect time for you and Remus to finally get some reading done without the rest of the group causing any chaos.

“I’ll kill Slughorn one of these days, I will,” says Marlene, dropping down on the sofa next to you and Remus in the common room, placing her legs on your lap. “If I have to make one more potion with a tongue, I will kill him.”

And just like that, the quiet is gone. 

“What? Afraid of a little tongue, Mar?” taunts James, sticking his out and waving it around in front of her, promptly earning him a knee to the gut, a more normal occurrence than you'd think.

“Come get your man, Evans. He’s being a prick.”

Lily smiles shyly, having just walked down from our dormitory with Dorcas, and says, “If you don’t like making potions then why do you go and see him every Thursday anyway?”

“Because she’s failing,” taunts James again, once more sticking his tongue out, but instead of another knee to the gut, Marlene starts chasing him around the common room. You and Remus both shoot each other a look, knowing you won’t be able to read peacefully anymore and close your books, putting them down on the table in front of you. Still, that hour you had for yourselves did you both some good.

Sure, you like to have moments where you’re not disturbed, but the relationships you have with the girls and the Marauders are more important to you than reading about some old king who made a lot of speeches in war.

“What’d we miss?” asks Sirius, walking in through the portrait hole with Peter, both of them taking in the sight of James running to the dormitories, Marlene hot on his tail.

“James stuck his tongue in Mar’s face,” says Lily. “And now I’m going to have to make sure she doesn’t kill him.”

Sirius shrugs. “He probably deserves it.”

Lily rolls her eyes but makes her way after James and Marlene, while Sirius rather unceremoniously takes Marlene’s place on the sofa next to you, also placing his legs on yours. At least he hasn’t taken his shoes off yet.

“Comfortable, Black?”

“Very much so, Princess,” he grins. Oh, how he teases you with that nickname, knowing just how much it annoys you to be called something he doesn’t call anyone else.

“Shouldn’t you also be studying for Potions, pillock?” He squints his eyes at you.

“For your information, I was in the library studying while you were entertaining yourself with a bunch of useless nonsense,” he says, picking up your book and waving it about in the air, clearly unimpressed with your interest in Muggle literature.

“We both know ‘in the library studying’ is code for ‘I convinced Peter to help me play pranks on the students and Madam Pince’.” You snatch the book out of his hands, shoving his legs off yours. “And it’s not nonsense. It’s _Shakespeare_.”

_‘Nonsense,'_ he mouths, which earns him a proper whack on the shoulder with your very heavy copy of Henry V. Serves him right. “OW! Moony, she hit me!”

Remus shrugs, smiling a little. “You probably deserved it.” You smile too.

“Hey!”

“Enjoy yourselves,” he continues. “I’m going to read some more before you three keep me up all night.”

“Fine, leave. At least we still have Dor and Peter to… keep us company.” But as he looks around the common room, Dorcas and Peter are nowhere to be found. Save for a few first years writing essays for Transfiguration and DADA and keen fifth years studying for their OWLs already, the Gryffindor common room is completely empty.

“Wow. You really _are_ that annoying,” you smirk, standing up and collecting your things. “I’m going to bed too. I still haven’t finished my herbology homework, the blasted thing. I’m tired of learning about different types of weeds.”

“At least it’s not tongues,” Sirius points out standing up with you. “But wouldn’t you much rather stay out with me tonight? I haven’t played a single trick on Filch today and it’s tearing me inside out.”

You fold your arms across your chest, shooting him a look he knows all too well. “I’m not going to help you get us both detention and lose house points. Goodnight, Black.”

But before you can even turn around, he’s looking at you with those puppy-dog eyes that work even when he’s not in Animagi form, trying to convince you that somehow pranking Filch is going to ensure world peace. And yet, somehow, you find yourself considering his offer despite the rational part of you screaming to go to bed.

You put your things back down. “You’re crazy.”

“I could say the same thing about you.”

“It’s already late.”

“But not late enough to get in trouble for roaming the corridors,” he grins.

You haven't had an adrenaline rush in a while, so, quietly, the two of you walk down the ever-changing staircases, down towards where his office lies right off of the Entrance Hall, it’s own building with a sad little oil lamp lighting it, one of the smallest rooms in the entire school.

“Would you like to do the honours, Milady?” he whispers, producing a cherry bomb out of his pocket. Don’t let the name fool you -- those things let off a violent cloud of smell the moment they hit the ground.

“Sirius Orion Black, you’d let me take your fame?”

He grins stupidly as you take the bomb from his hands. “You agreed to come along. It’s the least I can do. Besides, I need someone to blame if anything goes wrong, right?”

You shake your head at him, but nevertheless you push the door to Filch’s office open slightly more than it already is and throw the cherry bomb with the best aim you have before you run like hell for safety when you hear his shouts.

“Come on,” he says, pulling you away from Filch’s wrath and away from Mrs Norris’ amazingly sensitive nose. You follow him blindly through the corridors, up staircases and back down them again, not having as much experience in running away as he -- or any of the boys for that matter -- does.

You finally come to a stop a corridor away from the Gryffindor common room, your breath heavy and lungs exhausted. You’re both laughing, low chuckles bouncing off the echoey walls, enjoying yourselves far too much considering you’re still in full view of anyone if they were to come along, but you’re both too tired to move right now.

“I can’t believe I threw a cherry bomb at Filch. McGonagall would kill us if she ever found out,” you breathe, leaning back against the cold stone walls, holding your stomach. 

“Exactly, _if_. I won’t tell her if you don’t,” he smiles. You shake your head, closing your eyes, letting your heart beat faster than it has in a while. “Thank you for helping me with my last trick of the evening. Now I can rest easy.”

And you’re both about to head back when you hear someone coming from where the portrait of the Fat Lady resides. There’s nowhere to run without them catching you and you lose the ability to think for a minute, but Sirius is quick.

So, when he pushes you against the wall and starts kissing you, you really start to panic. You want to open your eyes to see if whoever was walking down the corridor has passed, but you’re already kissing him back, even if subconsciously, your hands tangling in that long black hair of his.

His own hand is tight on your waist, the other one cupping your face, and you’ve no idea why you’re not pushing him away. “Are they gone?” he whispers against your lips.

You dare to open your eyes, but whoever it was is nowhere to be found. “Yeah,” you swallow. “They’re gone.”

He pulls away, the warmth between you gone, and you can only hope your cheeks aren’t blushing furiously. They’re usually only pink come wintertime, but sometimes, in rare occurrences, they turn pink of their own accord.

“Sorry about that. Better they didn’t see our faces,” he smiles, talking as if the two of you didn’t just share something more than a kiss. Maybe you’re being dramatic. Maybe he didn’t feel what you did.

“Right,” you say, clearing your throat. “Yeah, no, of course. Bet the boys are more used to being kissed than I am.”

You’re trying to play it off as a joke, something the two of you will laugh about in the future. It’s better to keep this between the two of you, never mention it again. He continues to grin, happy to entertain you.

“Ah, well usually we bring the cloak, but it’s happened once or twice. Usually, I get pushed off instead of being the one to pull away,” he comments, as if he realises just how keen you were to keep on kissing him.

You shove him, walking down to the common room. “You’re imagining things, Black. Why would _I_ want to kiss _you_?”

“No idea,” he shrugs. “But you did. Wifflesnare.”

The Fat Lady isn’t too happy about being woken from the state of pre-sleep, but nevertheless she swings open, letting us in. The common room really is empty now, only one first-year having fallen asleep on his parchment, which doesn’t really help the emotions stewing in you. Silence gives you too much time to think.

“In your dreams,” you scoff.

“Princess, I assure you, my dreams are far racier than that kiss we shared,” he whispers, coming close to you, forehead almost touching yours. “If you want, I can show you exactly what one of them would look like.”

Sirius’ flirting is nothing new. After all, you’ve experienced it for the seven years you’ve been at school, but there’s something different in his eyes now. The way he’s looking at you now, like he really does want to show you more… You’ve never seen him like this. Do you like it? Do you want to know about his dreams?

“I’m good, thanks. My NEWTs are more important to me than exchanging spit with some boy.” And that’s it. You pull away from him, heading up to the dormitories, walking all the way to the top of the tower.

There are no low giggles from Lily, Marlene or Dorcas. For the first time in a long time, you are ungrateful for the quiet. You don’t like to let your mind wander more than it has to, especially not in situations like these. The list of possibilities that you can come up with is endless.

You shower as quietly as you can even though the bathroom walls are thick, getting any thoughts of Sirius Black kissing you out of your system. _It didn’t mean anything_ , you tell yourself. _You’re not the first girl he’s kissed and you definitely won’t be the last, so why should you read any more into it?_

The moonlight shines through the little windows in your room, raindrops sliding down the glass panes. If the girls were still up you’d probably be placing bets on who’s raindrop would make it to the bottom first, but you’re not going to wake them up for something so stupid. After all, Lily and Dor probably just managed to get Mar into bed.

You probably wouldn’t have told them Sirius kissed you anyway. All they do is tease you for the way you and Sirius have been around each other for the past years, and this would only add fuel to the fire. All you want right now is to forget it ever happened and get some decent sleep before Divination tomorrow.

“I just can’t believe he kissed me.”

“He what!”

You look up in alarm as the three girls spring out from under their covers, not as asleep as you thought they were. Maybe you should have just shut up and gone to bed.


	2. A Hand in the Dark

* * *

“Are you crazy? Of course it meant something!” exclaims Marlene, clearly exasperated at arguing with you.

You sit up, glaring at her. “No, it didn’t, Mar. It was just a way to hide our faces from whatever prefect or teacher was wandering the halls last night,” you huff, lying back down on the grass again and closing your eyes.

“Believe what you want, but I’m telling you, the man is in love with you,” she huffs back.

“I don’t care,” you groan. “I don’t want it to mean anything because I don’t want to have a thing for notorious playboy, Sirius Black, who only ever claims he wants you to use you and never look at you again. No point in ruining a perfectly good friendship.”

“There is a point if it would lead to a loving, happy relationship,” says Dorcas. 

“Sirius Black doesn’t do relationships, Dor.”

“What are your sources, Princess?”

When you open your eyes to see Sirius Black’s eyes staring right into yours, you really wish the ground would open underneath you and take you so you could disappear. Unfortunately, you’re laying on grass and not Devil’s Snare.

You snort. “The whole school, Mr Black.” 

“Fair enough.” And with that, he drops down to the ground and lays his head back on your stomach. You sense that you won’t be moving anytime soon. “It’s supposed to be sunny all this week. Anyone up for a trip to Hogsmeade?”

The group clearly finds the idea appealing, but unfortunately for you, you promised to help out Madam Pince in the library with sorting out two or three aisles in the Restricted Section. If it wasn’t for your attachment to books, she wouldn’t have asked you, and you wouldn’t have said yes.

“Can’t go. Sorry,” you say, popping a Bertie Botts Every Flavour bean in your mouth.  _ Cherry, phew. _ “Have fun though.”

“Why not!”

“Because someone-” you poke him in the ribs “-decided it would be funny to place a charm on a few of the aisles in the Restricted Section to make the books fall off the shelves one by one. You’re lucky I didn’t tell Madam Pince just which someone that was, although I gather she already suspects.”

He looks confused, as if he’s asking why you would rid yourself of fun just to clean up after him. Truth is, other than reading being something you do far too much, you have no idea why you’re protecting him. But you are.

Crap.

“Well, that’s fine. We can go after you’re done.”

“Sirius, do you know just how many books you actually charmed?” He looks dumbstruck. “By the time Madam Pince and I finish, the weather won’t be as good anymore. I don’t need to go with you guys for everyone to have fun.”

He looks like he’s about to argue your point but he stops himself at the last minute, chooses to stay silent. And so all of you find a new subject to discuss, like the fact that Snape was attacked by Puffapods earlier today, or that two first-year Gryffindors thought they could take on the Whomping Willow. Just because it’s your last year at Hogwarts doesn’t mean you’re running out of stories to tell.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


You’re tired. Your arms ache, and even the smell of old books doesn’t cheer you up anymore. Madam Pince said you could have gone back to your dorm a while ago, but you’d rather get as much done tonight as possible.

But now you’re sitting on the floor, arms by your side and your eyes drooping. Not even one aisle done and you’re already out of energy. You tilt your head back against the hard, wooden shelves, trying to convince yourself to stand back up, but your legs refuse to move. This is what you get for being friends with teachers.

If you fall asleep now, there’s a good chance you won’t wake up come morning, but the serenity sleep promises is too great to resist.

“Hey, these aren’t your bed chambers, Princess.”

You groan, knowing exactly who it is without opening your eyes. “Black, go away or I’ll seriously fucking kill you. I’m already cleaning your mess, I don’t want to have to hide your body too.”

“What mess? There’s no mess here.”

You blearily open one eye, expecting to see all of the books on the floor as you had left them, but instead, you can actually see the wooden floorboards underneath you again, and you seriously might cry.

“How long was I…?”

“Out cold? Long enough for me to reverse the charm,” he says, smiling smugly, knowing full well that he could have done that anytime he wanted. “Worth it to see the look on your face.”

He extends a hand, helping you up. You shove him lightly, but really you’re grateful because it means you might actually get some sleep tonight. “Thanks, Black.”

“This one had trouble staying on the shelf. I think it wants to stay with you.”

He passes you a book of an author you don’t recognise, dust-free only where it’s been touched by his fingers. You can’t tell if it’s a book about magic or just something written by muggles since there’s nothing on the back, but you’ll flick through it sooner or later.

“Just don’t expect me to start calling you my knight in shining armour,” you tell him as the two of you head out. Hopefully, any and all teachers have retired for the night. You lock up the library with your spare key, enchanted against Alohomora, and fall into step beside Sirius.

“You can call me whatever you want, Princess.” Something about the way he smiles at you makes you run hot, but you’re not blushing yet, not quite. No, if he wants your cheeks flushed pink, he’ll have to try harder.

“I think I’ll stick to Black,” you smile, but when you try and turn right towards the Fat Lady, Sirius suddenly seems to have different plans.

“Come with me. I want to show you something.” 

He takes your arm, leading you away from the way to the common room, in the opposite direction completely. You trust him, but having no idea what goes on in his head does make you worry.

You know you’re going up higher and higher, but only when he leads you through a hidden door and down a spiral staircase do you start feeling lost. Seven bloody years at Hogwarts and there are still places you haven’t discovered? You might have to follow the boys around more often so that you can tick off every nook and cranny before you graduate.

The two of you stop when the stairs give out, darkness looking up at you. You have a feeling about what he’s about to ask you. “Do you trust me?”

“Not a chance. I’m not jumping.”

“Okay,” he says, so of course it comes as no surprise to you when he wraps his arms around you and jumps for the two of you. You hold onto him tightly. Do you think he’s gone raving mad? No doubt about it. Do you trust him with your life? Always, but right now, as you hurtle through the air, you dare not leave things to chance.

“ _ Non-Auxilium Fuga _ ,” you whisper, and the rush of wind in your ears stops. You’re still travelling down, but at least now you’re sure your bones won’t break when you reach the ground.

Sirius looks at you, puzzled. “Are we… flying?”

“Restricted section spell,” you smile, a little dizzy. It’s dark magic, but you’ve no qualms about using it. “It takes a lot out of you, but worth it to stay alive.”

You burrow into the crook of his neck against your will, trying to regain some of the energy you’ve lost through rest. His body is warm against yours, and though you hate to admit it, it makes you feel safe.

“I would never let you fall to your death, Princess,” he murmurs against your hair.

Your feet touch something too soft to be wood or stone, but before you can register that you’re standing on Devil’s Snare, you slip right through it, relaxed beyond measure.

You hold him firmly in place by his shirt when he tries to move. “Sirius, I swear, if you’ve brought me to some dungeon with skeletons and boggarts, I’ll kill you.”

His laugh rings out, bouncing off the walls, echoing all around you. 

“I assure you, if I were to do that, I would do it closer to Halloween. The first week of October is far too early.” This time when he walks forward, you don’t stop him -- in fact, you subconsciously reach for his hand, letting him guide you carefully.

His fingers intertwine with yours, grip tightening. Your heart unwillingly beats a little faster.

You don’t walk for long before you see a little more light at the end of the path you’re going by, but instead of the yellow of a candle or the white of a lightbulb, it’s a greenish-blue, much like the colour of Marlene’s hair was for a month in sixth year. James ended up with purple.

You find yourself starstruck when you finally reach a small parlour. It’s fitted with mismatched beanbag chairs, a hammock somehow, and armchairs made from multicoloured patches, blankets covering boxes that no doubt contain spare supplies of food and drink, board games and books strewn about the floor. It’s when you look up, however, that starstruck doesn’t even begin to describe how you feel.

The lake is above you, and it’s shimmering green water translates through the glass ceiling, no doubt reinforced so that no water can actually get through. You see Sirius light the lamps on the walls out of the corner of your eye, but you’re too mesmerised to pay attention.

“Son of a Banshee.”

“Me and the guys set this up a couple of months before the end of the last school year. Not too far from the kitchens, and Slytherin common room isn’t either, so supplies are always close by,” he says, walking up behind you, looking up at the ceiling too. “It was a stroke of luck we found this really when Remus pushed James down those stairs.”

You lean your head back against his chest. “I’m not leaving now, you know? Maybe we can just skip lessons tomorrow.”

He chuckles and you can feel it with your whole body. You decide you like the way he laughs, especially when his nose crinkles, even if you can’t see it right this minute. Maybe the girls had a right to tease you all these years.

“Well, I never thought I'd see you skipping lessons for a boy,” he laughs, pleased with himself.

You pull away from him, sitting down on one of the beanbags and opening the book he gave you. “Who said anything about a boy? I’m here for the books, Black, not you.”

“Right,” he says, dropping down beside you, knocking the wind out of you. “You know, I think that you like me much more than you let on. After all, you did kiss me back last night.”

You look away from the story the author is telling you about pirates and stare at Sirius, watching him carefully. You need to decide how you want to play this because there’s a reason he brought you here, a place you’re pretty sure none of the other girls know about (except possibly Lily).

“I had to make it believable, right? Didn’t want someone to ask why you were kissing a girl that didn’t want to be kissed.” You can’t tell if you’ve wounded him any further than his pride, but more concerned are you about the fact that you don’t believe what you’re saying. You don’t believe that you didn’t want to be kissed.

“Right. Keep telling yourself that, Princess,” he says softly, moving away from you and walking to a different end of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because, of course, the shrieking shack couldn't have been their only hideout (and also i loved the idea of this so much)


	3. Kiss List and Exes

You want to speak. You do, but somehow you’re incapable of finding the words despite all the books you’ve consumed. Maybe you shouldn’t say anything. Maybe you’ll make things worse.

“I can hear you thinking all the way across the room!”

“Then close your ears!”

Why is it so hard to put your thoughts into words? Are there really so many of them? Surely saying something is better than saying nothing at all?

“I didn’t kiss you back to make it believable,” you blurt out.

Nope. You should have stuck to saying nothing at all.

“Oh? Then why?”

You already know he’s going to draw this out, coax the answer he wants out of you until you say something you never meant to say. He can play you like a fiddle if you don’t watch where you step, so you better come up with a good story you can spin.

You close the cover of your book. “It’s, um, it’s been a while since my last kiss. And you’re not exactly awful at it. So I gave in.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear you think I’m a good kisser,” he says, taking strides towards you before ending up at the foot of the beanbag you haven’t moved from, hand on your knee, the smallest act of intimacy.

“I said you weren’t awful. I never said anything about good,” you grin.

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He smiles like he knows something you don’t. “So, you know better kissers than me?” Ah, so this is where you talk about your previous conquests.

“Well, let’s see. Dedalus Diggle and Edgar Bones for starters. Pandora Portmanteau somewhere around two or three years ago, too. Oh, and Caradoc Dearborn. So far, that’s four people who are better kissers than you.”

He’s quiet. You can’t tell if he’s quiet because he’s just learnt that you’ve kissed both a girl and a Slytherin, or if he’s just surprised that you actually named someone. You think it’s funny seeing him this helpless, but you also feel a little bad, because out of everyone you’ve kissed, Sirius is higher up than he thinks he is.

“Pandora Portmanteau?”

“Before Xenophilius asked her out, we spent some time together. While short, it was better than I expected,” you shrug.

He shakes himself. “Time together, bleurgh.” You roll your eyes.

“Right, I forgot -- Sirius Black doesn’t do relationships.”

“You know, you said that earlier, or yesterday, I suppose. Do I really come off as that much of a player?”

He’s looking at you with Padfoot eyes, and the small head tilt makes you melt. He’s always known how to get what he wants out of you. “When people say something about you and you don’t prove them wrong immediately, the thing they say never goes away,” you say softly.

“What did they say about you?”

“Accused me of sleeping with the enemy at fifteen, all because I found the Slytherin students charming. I went from virgin to slut after one relationship. Crazy right? How people will assume things without knowing a damn thing about you.”

You’ve never told anyone except the girls this, and you doubt the boys heard because they would have been getting into fights for your ‘honour’ if they had. You didn’t want that, to bring attention to it. You wanted it to go away as quickly and as quietly as possible, even if it ended up going beyond Gryffindor house.

“I’ve… tried to have relationships, you know? But they just, well, they never felt right.”

You place your hand over his. “That’s normal, Sirius. It’s easier to let someone go early rather than let them stay and break each other's hearts.”

“Normal?”

“Normal,” you smile, being completely honest with him in this moment. He smiles back, like finally someone has heard him out and told him the situation he’s in isn’t one he’s in alone.

“Well, that’s enough talking about our feelings, don’t you think? Here,” he says, passing you something you’re surprised he has. “James convinced us to start making our own supply of these funny little plants behind the Shrieking Shack. Truly amazing to see what kind of magic muggles provide themselves with.”

“Sorry, you guys are growing a whole supply of weed and you’re only sharing this with me now?”

He shrugs. “I mean, you’re a girl. No girls allowed.”

You launch yourself at him then, trying to wrestle the spliff out of his slender fingers, wanting to light it and keep it to yourself. “Sirius Black, you hand that spliff over right now!”

The two of you stumble to the floor, robes tangling together as you let out a small ‘oof’, rolling and switching positions, trying to get that spliff in your hands as quick as possible. You might have been placed in Gryffindor, but there’s a cunningness of a Slytherin in you anyway. You straddle him firmly once you catch it, finding the lighter in one of his many, seemingly never-ending pockets, and bask in the look on his face while you take a long, slow drag.

“Oh, God bless you, James Potter,” you breathe out.

“You’re welcome,” says Sirius, looking up at you from the floor. You smile smugly at him.

“Thanks,” you grin, taking your legs off of him and lying down beside him, looking up at the creatures swimming above you in the lake, placing your head down on his arm where it meets his shoulder.

With the music in the background, you can feel yourself slowly slipping away, to a world you love visiting. It’s calming, it’s comforting, it’s consoling. You never want to leave this bubble.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


You’re leaning back against the Whomping Willow when you can feel a shadow not made by branches being cast over you. You groan and open one eye briefly.

“What?”

“So? Did he show you?”

“Did who show me what?” you ask Lily, not wanting to talk to anyone a few hours before you have to finish off any schoolwork for Monday. Granted, it’s Saturday afternoon, but there are some things you can get done today to have a free Sunday.

She sits down beside you. “Did Sirius show you their place under the lake?”

“Why would Sirius show me anything?”

“Um, maybe because he kissed you?” comes Mar’s voice, and you know Dorcas is right behind her and that you’re not going to get a moment’s peace any longer. Next time you ought to just sit on top of the Owlery, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. “Also, I still haven’t been, so I want to hear everything about the place.”

“I haven’t spoken to Sirius since he asked all of us if we wanted to go to Hogsmede. If you recall, I stayed behind on Thursday.” You start to pack up your things, knowing your moment of rest is over.

“See, we’d believe you if Sirius had shown up anyway, but he had fallen mysteriously ill and we ended up going without both of you,” retorts Dorcas, the three of them following right behind you as you set off towards the village you never made it to on Thursday. So maybe you and Sirius have been spending time together since he showed you the Marauders’ hideout, but those nights were just for the two of you, and more importantly, you were spending them as friends.

But these girls are your best friends, right? And surely Sirius ended up telling the boys anyway.

“Yes, he showed me,” you sigh, giving in. “It’s one of the most beautiful places I’ve been to, but Merlin does it smell like teenage boy.”

“Was it as romantic as we predicted it would be?”

You remember the way it felt to be held by Sirius as you drifted downwards, how warm his body had been, pressed against yours as he held you tight, your head buried in the crook of his neck. It was more romantic than they could have ever predicted, even with the help of Professor Hawthorn, your Divination teacher.

“We weren’t there as lovers. We were there as friends,” you say finally, pressing your lips into a firm line. This topic of lovey-dovey stuff is not one you want to talk about, especially since the last thing Sirius is ready for is a relationship. The man is a bachelor at heart, and you don’t know if you have the energy it takes to help him break out of that shell.

The girls sense the topic is making you uneasy but Lily is the first one to act on it. “How about this: we pop into the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer and then we can raid the boys’ secret stash from the Shrieking Shack, hm?”

You smile at her, and the mood lifts a little bit. She pulls you into her side and you know that despite all their teasing and masterminded plans, they want what’s best for you, even if you can’t always see what that is. You’re thankful they’ve been by your side all these years, and you know you’re not letting them go even after graduation.

“You guys go find a table,” you say to them as the warmth of the pub washes over you, driving away the chill of early October. You leave your coat with the girls, undoing the knot in your scarf and letting it hang loosely around your neck. “Hi, four butterbeers please, Mil.”

Millie smiles at you, and you see her put a little nutmeg in yours, just how you like it. You turn sideways, looking at all the Hogwarts refugees that are studying in the homeliness the Three Broomsticks provides, quill and parchment strewn about on the biggest tables they have. You don’t even begin to weave in and out of them and make your way to the girls before you nearly knock right into someone.

“Watch it you little-”

You’re prepared to mouth off back to the wizard who has two left feet but you both change your minds when your eyes make contact. “Caradoc!”

You place the butterbeers down on the bar and pull him into a hug, having not seen him since he graduated. Despite having been sorted into Slytherin, you became friends, later a little more than that, and you’ll always cherish the bond you formed.

“Hey, Gryffindor. How’s your last year going?” he grins.

“Hectic and stressful,” you answer truthfully, even if you’re not exactly talking about your NEWTs at the end of the year. “How have you been?”

You know he isn’t here for leisure purposes. Caradoc is here about something that you would love to obliviate from your mind -- should it do you any good -- but knowing is what keeps you sane. You think you’d go mental if you had to keep relearning about the coming war.

“Tired,” he says, and you can see it all too well in his eyes. He’s only a year older than you, and as much as you’d love to travel the world after graduation, there are more pressing matters.

You talk the afternoon away, switching between millions of seemingly unrelated topics, and he walks you back to the castle before you can get in trouble for missing curfew.

“Thank you for today,” you say, handing him back his jacket. “I had fun.”

“Thank you. I loved having someone to talk to. I missed you this summer,” he says, placing the jacket round your shoulders once more. “Keep it. It looks better on you.”

Although you’ve spent a great amount of time apart since your rather amicable breakup, those leftover feelings were never quite resolved, which plays a rather large part in creating the atmosphere surrounding the two of you right now. He leans down slowly, giving you plenty of time to stop him, but your eyes close and he kisses you, soft and sweet, warm and loving, just like you remember.

Hidden under the invisibility cloak, James and Lily whisper violent curses, knowing that somehow, Sirius is going to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes the marauders got high every weekend, no i don't take criticism, yes this is now cannon -- oh, and did i sneakily bring an ex into the story at the worst possible moment? yessir


	4. Burying the Hatchet

_“When did they loosen the rules this much?”_

_“Well, you were a Prefect. Any rules are thrown out the window for people like you.”_

_You fiddle with the Slytherin scarf he wore to today’s Quidditch match. “And what kind of people are those?” he asks. You hadn’t forgotten about that about him -- that he likes when people spell things out for him. Egotistical but forgivable._

  
  
  


Now you’re lying in the common room, a smile on your face, book on your chest, eyes closed as the fire crackles in your ears. Over two weeks have passed since he kissed you that night walking back from Hogsmede and that wasn’t the last time you saw each other, oh no. There’s a spark with Caradoc, something you haven’t felt in a long time.

“Are you thinking about sleeping down here or are you going to come up?” asks Lily, filling the silence of the room.

“Waiting for the girls to fall asleep. I know they’re angry at me.”

She sits down next to you and you sit up, opening your eyes. “They’re not angry. They’re just… confused. After all, it took you way too long to tell them _who_ you were spending so much time with.”

“I was never going to tell anyone. I didn’t even expect it to go on this long. I thought it was just a few nights before he had to go,” you groan, not liking just how complicated things have become in order for you to experience happiness with someone.

You’d never expected to get back together with Caradoc. It had been a spontaneous, spur of the moment thing. The secret meetings were fun at first, sneaking out and exploring the castle like you used to when you were in your fourth year and he was in his fifth. But you were younger then. You could be as distracted as you wanted to then, no war waiting for you behind the castle walls.

Getting close with Caradoc not only hurt your relationship with Dorcas and Marlene, but it also ensured none of the boys were willing to talk to you for the longest time. James is only just starting to come around, Remus and Peter are more than happy to exchange a few sentences with you, but it’s Sirius who won’t utter a single word.

Sirius, who avoids you as best as he can. Sirius, who refuses to walk with you in the hallways. Sirius, who doesn’t go anywhere where you are. Sirius, who won’t even catch your gaze in the Great Hall. Sirius, who used to be one of your best friends, now nothing more than a cold shadow.

“Come on, let’s go up. There’s no point in you sulking down here on your own,” she says, pulling you up and following behind to make sure you actually make it to the dorm. Whatever whispering voices you think you heard as you were walking up abruptly turn into silence, and the two girls in their beds pretend they’re not even awake.

Lily sends you a knowing look as she goes into the bathroom, one that reads ‘this isn’t going to go away on its own’. She’s not wrong, but you’re not exactly keen on hearing it.

“I’m sorry. Can you guys forgive me?” Silence.

Lily is right, but you can’t be the only one pushing for a reform of your relationship. You need them to help you out because this is in no way a one-woman job. Clearly, no matter how many times you say it, apologies do nothing, so you have to figure out a different tactic.

“Fine. Then I won’t tell you all about the huge fight Caradoc and Sirius got into. And no one apart from me saw it either.” You settle down for bed but before you can even rest your head on the pillow Marlene’s face is dangerously close to yours.

“I’m not talking to you right now, but I’m a sucker for violence so tell me all about it.”

“There was no fight, but it’s nice to know you care about two men trying to declare themselves the alpha more than me,” you say, turning on your side away from her.

A beat passes. “Why didn’t you just tell us you were seeing Caradoc?”

“Because I knew you wouldn’t like it.” You sit up to face both Marlene and Dorcas now. “Because you think I shouldn’t have chosen him over Sirius.”

“Are you happy?” You nod and sniff, a little sensitive from the conversation. “Then fuck Sirius. If he has feelings for you, he needs to learn to be outright with them,” says Dorcas.

You pull each other into a hug, giving up on your anger and grudges. You might like a stupid boy, but your friends will always matter to you more. It feels right to have them by your side again, like you’d been missing a part of you when you were fighting.

“I should have told you sooner, whether I thought you would disagree with my decision or not.” You know that though you may have buried the hatchet for now, you know it’ll come up one day, so an apology now might save your future self from something not exactly pleasant. 

“No group hug happens without me!”

Once the three of you manage to wrestle Lily off the top of you so you can breathe again, you gather all the snacks you’ve been saving up and decide to have a feast on your bedroom floor, catching each other up on the gossip you’ve heard and definitely not doing the homework you all have due.

You go to sleep last out of all of you, sitting by the small window in your dorm and watching the rain pour onto the Quidditch grounds, thinking about what Dorcas said about Sirius, about how much of a hypocrite not being outright with your feelings has made you.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Is he still really angry at me?” you whisper-ask Remus, leaning across your copy of Predicting the Unpredictable: Insulate Yourself Against Shocks. 

“He hasn’t mentioned you at all in the past weeks, and it’s a death glare if you even bring up your name.” Ouch. That stings. “I’ve never seen him like this before. He’s all…”

“Serious? No pun intended.” 

Remus makes a face. “Honestly? Yeah. Instead of his usual mysterious and broody self, he’s serious and broody.”

“Great. I’ve broken Sirius Black. That’s just bloody perfect,” you groan, dropping your head in your book. Madame Pince shushing you just makes you groan louder.

Remus just laughs at you -- quietly, though. He doesn’t want a warning from Madame Pince. You’d go up and talk to Sirius when you see him in the corridors, but clearly that is the last thing he wants to do, avoiding you by any means.

“Don’t tell me you’re _afraid_ of having a conversation with him. What’s the worst thing he could do?”

“He could hear me.”

If you’re being honest -- not that you lie -- it’s more about the fact that you’d probably make a godforsaken fool of yourself with your rambling and he still wouldn’t say a word, and considering how long you’ve known Sirius, you wouldn’t put it past him.

“Look, you didn’t hear it from me, but if you do want to talk to him, he should be down under the lake, high as a kite.” He whispers that last part because it’s not exactly something you want someone to overhear in a school of magic.

You think about his offer for approximately five seconds (okay, maybe less) before you grab your things and run out of the library, ignoring Madame Pince shouting “That’s five points from Gryffindor, young lady!” 

You’ll earn those points back soon somehow, but right now you’re focused on not falling off the moving staircases as you try and remember the path you took desperate to find that door you’d never seen before he showed you, and when you finally see it you think you’re going to break it down your hurl into it so fast and down into the depths of the pitch-black night.

“ _Non-Auxilium Fuga._ ”

You don’t quite trust the Devil’s Snare that’s supposed to catch you, so you use _Lumos_ to clear yourself a path so your feet can touch the floor in the way you want them to. It’s when you start to walk out of the dark tunnel that your nerves make their way to the tips of your fingers and toes, filling you with anxious dread, but you can’t put off talking to Sirius any longer, so you round the corner despite your flight or fight response telling you to choose flight.

You look around the room. Empty. And that feeling of dread turns into a feeling of defeat. You’ve just missed him.

“Didn’t think you remembered the way here,” mumbles Sirius from behind you, walking into the room and stumbling a little. If you didn’t know any better you’d say not only is he high, but he’s drunk as a lord.

“Have you been drinking? Seriously?”

“Iz only Bettle Berry Whiskey.” Hiccup. “Nothin’ zeriouz.” He flops down on one of the beanbags, body jerking with every hiccup. You sigh and place your hand over his head, whispering words you picked up long ago.

“Feel better?”

He shrugs your hand off, somehow displeased about the fact that he’s fully sober with no hangover. “Most people get drunk for a reason, you know? Fogs the mind and helps you forget things.”

“Things like me?”

He doesn’t look at you. This was clearly a bad idea, and if he won’t hold a conversation with you, then there’s no point in you staying here, in bad company. As excited as you were to finally get everything out of you, seeing him like this causes you pain you haven’t felt before.

He grabs your wrist before you can leave. “You came here to tell me something, didn’t you? It’s not like you to leave without saying what’s on your mind.”

You dare to look into those puppy-dog eyes of his, his grip on you not letting up. He probably doesn’t even know what he does to you, how he makes you feel. You wish it was different. You wish feelings had never gotten in the way of your friendship. You wish you were eleven again, on the train to Hogwarts, ready for the adventure of your life. You wish you hadn’t grown up.

“What’s the point? You’ll just get drunk and forget everything anyway.” You reach into your bag and take out a small parcel with a letter inside of it that you decided to leave in in the end. “Happy birthday, Sirius.”

You apparate into a hallway that’s nearly always empty and wait for the door you know will appear out of thin air, holding back all your negative feelings until the door safely shuts behind you. Today there are test dummies everywhere, and without a second thought you pull out your wand, anger let loose through curses most people would be terrified to utter.

You can’t believe it. Drunk, high and completely out of it, he definitely didn’t care about what you had to say. Dorcas was right -- as long as you’re happy, fuck Sirius. What does it matter that you’re hopelessly, irretrievably in love with him, more than he’ll ever know?

You sink to the floor, in disbelief of the extent of your feelings. You were really hoping it was just a silly crush, something you’d get over in time, but apparently not. Apparently, it was more than like, more than butterflies in your stomach.

You’d be crying right now if you weren’t in so much shock. Why, out of all the people in the world, did you have to fall in love with your best friend? And why, despite him not talking to you at all, do you wish he would sweep you off your feet and tell you exactly how he feels about you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it sad that i made it his birthday? i'm sorry. no i'm not. i hope you all suffered during this story, and we've got one more chapter to go


	5. Well-Seasoned Arguments

You’re the one avoiding Sirius now. And yeah, maybe that makes you a hypocrite, but you don’t have the guts to face him. You groan and throw your head into your hands when you remember exactly what you put in that letter. You seriously don’t know what possessed you to do something quite so stupid.

  
  
  


_ I know you’re not talking to me right now, and I’ll be kind enough to not bring up the reason why. You might think I’ve gone mad. You might think it makes me a traitor. And, if I were weak-minded, I’d ask you to forgive me, but I’m not, and my actions will never be controlled by someone else. I cannot let our friendship stop me from being happy.  _

_ When you’re ready to be upfront with me, I’ll be more than inclined to listen, because, despite what you might think of me at the moment, I have some things I want to get off my chest as well. Enjoy the gift. _

  
  
  


You don’t know if the gift hit the mark, but it was something you hope he’d understand came from your heart; your signed copy of  _ Henry V _ \-- long story -- the very one he had described as ‘nonsense’. (And needless to say, William hadn’t been too pleased to hear his work ridiculed and reduced to gibberish).

The girls think you’re stupid for avoiding him when just a few days ago you had been so eager to see him. The boys, however, were as keen on not getting involved as possible, which kind of meant you were completely on your own regarding running away from a conversation that makes you want to fall off the Astronomy Tower.

You had been so confident only a few days ago. Where had that gone? Where was the rock hard demeanour that you carried so effortlessly, the walls you had built so carefully? How in the world did a single boy that doesn’t even know how to brush his hair break down all of your defences?

Right now you’re in DADA, desperately avoiding Sirius’ gaze, knowing he’s looking at you from the other end of your row. You really hope your cheeks aren’t completely red.

It’s almost impossible for you to focus on the piece of parchment on your desk and you’ve yet to answer a single question on the most powerful witches and wizards that use dark magic that you knew so well only a few classes ago. And when a paper bird lands in front of you, you know you’re done for.

You open it slowly and with shaking hands, hoping it’s not what you think it is, but since when has luck ever been on your side?  **_We need to talk. Wait for me after class._ ** Right, well, that’s not happening any time soon, not if you have something to say about it, which means you need to be quicker than the Snitch at a Quidditch match.

When Professor Silverling finally does dismiss you, you run out of the classroom as fast as your legs will carry you, hoping you can avoid him just like on Saturday and Sunday, even if it means being knocked left and right by all of the students flooding the corridor.

You’re nothing but a blur now, plain demeanour easily blending in with the rest of your schoolmates. You have a couple of hours free now, so you, Lily and Remus are meeting by Hogsmede to work on your Alchemy essays, and hopefully, that’ll buy you some time to think of some better ways to hide than in the nearest cupboard.

“Who are you running from?” You jump at Pandora’s voice, forgetting just how quiet she can be when sneaking up on you.

“I’m not running from anyone.”

She rolls her eyes, smiling at you. “Oh, please. It couldn’t be more obvious with the way you’re acting. I don’t need a spell to see you’re on edge.”

Now, though you might be more obvious than you’d like to be with your actions, Pandora has always been more observant than your average witch or wizard, through no fault of her own. You’re hesitant to tell her anything at first, but then it all sort of comes spewing out, from the kiss in the corridor to the way he stared at you in Defence Against the Dark Arts. Her reaction is to giggle.

“I’m that hopeless, huh?”

“No, silly,” she smiles. “I just don’t think you realise that he feels the exact same way about you the way you feel about him. You’re both hopelessly, irretrievably in love with each other, and it’s a crime it’s taken you this long to figure out.”

You both stop under an archway that looks out of the grounds and you stare at her, wondering how in the hell she knew what words to put your emotions in. If you were both muggles you’d accuse her of witchcraft, but you would have felt the spell had she used one. No, this was just good old-fashioned intuition.

“I have no bloody idea how to tell him.” She giggles again.

“That’s because you don’t  _ tell  _ someone you love them,” she says, taking your hands in hers. “You show them.”

You pull a face. “I think I’d blow up Hogwarts by accident if I tried to turn my feelings for Sirius into magic. Can I really not just tell him? It would be so much easier.”

“If it was easy, it wouldn’t be love.” And she lets your hands go, leaving you at a complete loss for words in an eerily silent castle, with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide from the truth. She’s right, of course, she always is, but to hear it makes you feel like someone’s just poured a bucket of ice water over you, waking you from whatever fantasy world you were trapped in.

Right now, you have two choices. A is going to Hogsmede and asking Lily and James for help, buying yourself some time, and B is… B is bursting into Sirius’ Potions lesson and doing something really, really stupid.  _ You don’t tell someone you love them. You show them. _

Damn Pandora and her well-seasoned arguments. You could kill her for being as right as she is, you really could.

You start running.

* * *

  
  


So, your plans kind of backfire when you’re only a couple of doors away from Professor Slughorn’s classroom, because obviously the universe wants to make this as hard as possible, so who else do you see talking to Professor Sprout but Caradoc, looking like the perfectly polished Prefect he was just a year ago.

Shit. This is the last thing you need right now. Fucking universe and its fucking lessons. Shit, shit, shit.

“Hey, Gryffindor! Long time no see.” He excuses himself from the conversation, but when he goes in to kiss you, you jerk your head, his lips ending up next to your eye. The confusion is visible on his face, but he assumes it’s because of Professor Sprout’s presence, so he shrugs it off.

Professor Sprout smiles at the two of you and you already know your cheeks are flushed pink. “I see you’ve made friends with one of my top Herbology students. Perhaps you can teach her a few things, after all, you excelled so well in my class last year.”

“Ah, I’m sure she doesn’t need my help. She’s entirely capable of passing her NEWTs much better than I did.” 

“Well, I’ll leave you two lovebirds to it. I have some mandrakes to prepare for the younger years anyway.” You just smile politely as she walks away, wanting this to all be over as soon as possible, feeling your confidence dropping with every passing second.

“What are you doing here, Caradoc?” you ask, trying to hurry up the pace of the conversation. “Surely you didn’t come here just to talk about how well you did in your last year of Herbology class.”

“I came to see Dumbledore. There are things we needed to discuss in regards to the Order. I’d do anything to be a first-year again, completely clueless.” You can see the effects of trying to save the world from an inevitable war clearly written on his face. 

Although you’re safe in Hogwarts right now, you’re going to have to grow up a hell of a lot quicker than you would like to after graduating. You’re not prepared to lose anything, and you’re especially not prepared to lose the people you care about more than anything in the world.

You take a deep breath, gathering your courage. “I can’t keep seeing you Caradoc. I have feelings for someone else.”

But before he can react, the corridors are filled with students desperately trying to get to their next lesson before they’re tardy and you can’t move away from each other quick enough before Sirius is leaving Potions, looking at the two of you pushed close, your eyes meeting across the tops of heads.

He turns around and sets off in the complete opposite direction, but you’re done being a coward. You wriggle out of Caradoc’s grip, apologising with your eyes and hoping he gets the hint. You point your elbows outwardly, clearing yourself a path by poking any and all who get in your way -- needless to say they’re not happy.

“Sirius!” you shout when you catch sight of him. “Sirius stop! Please!” He doesn’t even turn around; you push harder, running with a strength you never knew you possessed, feeling quite like James does when he’s playing Seeker. You push through one last time, knocking both of you over and down to the floor, holding yourself up above him. When you both get up, he doesn’t seem keen on staying.

“Can’t this wait? I need to get to class.” You gasp for air, out of breath.

“You don’t have any more classes until Transfiguration at four, which means I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen.”

He scoffs and says, “I don’t think-"

“I broke up with Caradoc.” Now he listens. His body language changes, more open to what you might have to say, relaxing a little bit, but visibly confused as to what Caradoc was doing here otherwise then. “He was only here to talk to Dumbledore about You Know What. No other reason.”

“Why?”

You smile, giddy. “Isn’t it obvious? I can’t be with him when I’m clearly in love with someone else.” His face falls.

“You came here to tell me you’re in love with someone else? I don’t have time for this.” But as angry as he is, you can’t stop smiling, not believing that you’re actually about to do this despite rationality telling you to stop while you’re ahead.

You block his path. “I can’t be with Caradoc because the person I’m in love with is my best friend. The person I’m in love with is you, Sirius Orion Black.”

You don’t leave him any time to think about things before you’re sliding your arms around his neck and pulling him close to you, placing his lips on yours like he did all those weeks ago, and it feels like heaven has come down to Earth. After all the strain your heart has taken, it feels good to just let go and heal, finally where you’re supposed to be.

You pull away, looking into each other’s eyes, and a smirk forms on his face. “So, you  _ love  _ me, huh?”

“Is that okay?” you ask, punching him lightly on the arm.

“It’s perfect, Princess,” he says, going in to kiss you again, clearly having missed the feeling as much as you did.

You’ve still got a few more months at Hogwarts before August makes an appearance, and you’re going to make the most of it, no matter what the hell life throws at you, because you’re sure that as long as you have each other, you can live through anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's it! that's you and sirius right there, ready to go through hell together, in loe with each other. 
> 
> our journey has come to and end for now, but feel free to follow me on twitter (@/misandrstryujin) for anything else, ad i appreciate every share, kudos and comment from all of you <33

**Author's Note:**

> [my ko-fi](https://ko-fi.com/erissapphic)


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